"Why Do I Write?"

“Why do I write? Why do I write? Why do I write?,” Just like a bee buzzing around flowers, this question come up to my mind ever and ever again, wherever I am. Yes, Why do I write? Isn’t it odd? I have been writing for several years, but I never ask this question, this fundamental question. This question keep bothering me since somebody suggested me to ask my self about it.
 
Then, in a lovely evening, when my children was playing around me and my husband was working in his ‘laboratory’, I took a deep breath, lied in my bed, pondered to answer this question deeply. I tried to look for the answer, but my mind just kept silent and my heart didn’t give any signal even one clue. I waited and waited, hoping the answer would pop up in my mind, but useless. I felt bad and tired. Oh God, why is it so difficult to answer the question?
 
“Why do you think I write?” I asked my husband suddenly. “Hmm..good question,” He said. His warm eyes stared at me for a second and then he continued,” Who else will write about medical problems if not you.  How many doctors who write compare to million doctors in Indonesia? How many books are written by doctors? Our country still needs a lot of books, even though there are some similar books, more books, hundred books, thousand books are still needed. You have a talent, a chance, you have to be the one who write, like or dislike. That is your destiny!”

What? Destiny? I woke up and looked at him. “How dare you said about destiny. I never have a dream to be a writer, I want to be a doctor! You know how hard to write a book and sometimes I even want to cry and scream as hard as I can when I stuck, didn’t know what I had to write. I’m struggling with my self, collecting spirit to continue writing my unfinished book. That’s why I need several years to write it, several years Honey! You know it” I got upset.

“Of course I know, but that is your destiny, believe me,” my husband murmured.

Oh Nooooo! Please don’t! I don’t want to be a writer! Sometimes,  my heart screamed and made an affirmation that I don’t like writing and don’t want to be a writer. There was a time when I falled in love with writing and there was also a time when I hated writing. But, maybe my husband is right, I don’t know. The more I run, the more ‘universe conspire’ to make writing become closer to me.
 
When I falled in love with writing, I was very happy knowing that writing can make us healthier, younger and reduce wrinkle, according to Fatima Mernissi, a famous woman writer. I was also glad when Dr Pennebaker, a researcher, said that writing can reduce stress, solve problems, clear our mind and increase our knowledge. But, when I hated writing, I didn’t want to write at all for months, for years. I didn’t touch my diary, I even felt pain in my heart when I heard about writing. It was weird, indeed. But, I really have experienced a feeling as I was fly in the sky but then falled down to the deepest part of the earth.

So, when ‘universe conspire’ to make writing become closer to me, I feel like stand up in the middle of a tiny bridge that has no handle. If I don’t go away through the bridge, I will fall down to the left or to the right of the river. I’m in the middle of nowhere, looking for a light that can make me go through the bridge. That’s why  it was so difficult for me to answer question,’why do I write.’
 
Several weeks ago, I read someone's article about his dream to be a writer. He had read tremendous books, wrote several articles and hoping  a publisher could publish his works. He really wanted to be a writer but he hadn’t got a chance yet. Reading his dream touched me a lot that time. His writing gave me a strong message,”Look, somebody out there really wants to be a writer and look at you now, you even didn’t do anything to achieve it, universe has opened the chance for you, just like that.” Oh, I feel so ungrateful. I do apologize to God because of my thankless.
 
Now, after reading several resources looking for the answer, I understand that writing is not about destiny (even though somewhat true), writing is about a choice! There is no doubt anymore about the advantages of writing, either for ourselves or the reader. But, whoever you are, you can be a writer, you don't have to be talented, you can choose to be a writer with your own reason.Become a writer doesn’t mean you have to publish books or articles in the newspaper. If we can publish our books and become famous that is just the side effect. But actually, writing is about a choice and spiritual activities for ourselves.

Thinking a lot about that recently make me realize that for me now, writing is not only a way to express my feeling, to speak, to spread my idea, to increase my knowledge, to keep my brain healthy, to keep me younger than my age, but also to appreciate my live, to live twice, to enjoy my live in detail, to know my selves deeply and to to be grateful with my wonderful life. So, when you ask me now ‘why do I write’? I can answer it surely that I write because it is my choice to be grateful to have a wonderful life!